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I have been avoiding this topic as I collect my thoughts and figure out what exactly I want to say. The future in-laws dun dun dun. My guy has been very very honest and straight forward since our beginning in regards to his parents. His world and relationship with his parents is completely different then a traditional American parental relationship. The same love is there, the same adoration of their children is there, but the expectation of culture and tradition is as highly present as those two things as well.
We have all heard the stories of arranged marriages and most of think, ' hell I cant even imagine'. It happens, everyday in other countries. Parents arrange a meeting of their children, if they get along well enough , hey they get hitched. Scary isn't it?makes me wonder if we take the choice of love for granted here in the states.
OK back to topic, his parents are traditional, his mother very religious, and his society, not so understanding. His parents know about me, but they cannot take me seriously as I am not there in the flesh. Every so often my guy tells me his mom has set up a meeting for him with yet another girl. It's a beautiful thing that I am not the jealous type, and that I have full faith in him other wise I would be tearing my hair out.
So...his parents do not know everything about me as of yet. And the selective things he has told them has been minimal and truthful. He cannot explain to them some things about me because as a religion, culture, tradition they just will not except it. Like the fact I am white...this will pass. The fact I am divorced...hmm might be years for that to heal. The fact I have a child from my previous marriage..that is never going to be o.k. with them. In their tradition women whom divorce, or are widowed normally are somewhat of outcasts from future relationships. Now not saying this is true to every woman in the current age there but this is what has been tradition for them for thousands of years. Needless to say they are not going to approve once they find out everything about me.
So what can I do? As this relationship grows deeper, the want to have his family adopted as my own will grow. I already have to come to terms with the fact that my child will never be accepted as part of his family because of the circumstances. That in itself is extremely painful. Sigh, I am not sure how to handle this situation now or in the future when things come to a head.
What a challenge, Sarah! I can't imagine how difficult that could be for you and your family. Perhaps writing about this challenge helps give you clarity and hope. I hope for peace and understanding from your fiance's family as your relationship grows.
ReplyDeleteSarah,
ReplyDeleteI can entirely relate to your pain in this situation. I have been married five times and am now headed for my fifth divorce. I know, I should have learned my lesson after the second time when I found myself married to an abusive alcoholic, but just like most women in this world, I believed that I needed a man to make my life coplete. In my fourth marriage, I became the step-mother of three of the most disrespectful, rude, and selfish children I have ever seen in the world! This marriage was doomed for failure from the beginning,but I was blind to see this until it was too late.In this marriage, my children were not even considered a part of the family. It was so painful to see that they were not included in traditions such as Christmas, birthdays were never recognized and so on. All you can do is just go on and live your life with your new fiance and your child and remind her that she is loved very much. Teach her that she DOESN'T HAVE TO HAVE his family's approval and acceptance. She is a wonderful gift from God and this is all that should matter.
The love that you and your fiance share and his love and acceptance of your daughter is all that matters in this marriage. Just do what I do everyday now, listen to God and pray for your enemies. Eventually, conviction will take over and things will change. I pray things will work out for you.